your parents love me but you hate me
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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