Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
