can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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