So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
