thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
