between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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