the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
