Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
