1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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