yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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