Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Every concussion has its silver lining
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
