chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
