I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
