my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
