kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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