There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
