i was born a porn star she said
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
