ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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