he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
