We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
