I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
