I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
