I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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