So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
