I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
