We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
