new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
