i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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