This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
