Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
