i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
