I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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