I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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