I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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