I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
