My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
