Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
