I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
