I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
