The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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