i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
