just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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