I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
