Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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