Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
