3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my mouth tastes like poor choices
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
