if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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