Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
