Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
