I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
