I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
