I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
